This isn't easy...

It's been a long week for me and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what the hell happened.

Everything started last weekend - I had planned to spend the day with Nick and he was going to stay over that night. My kids and I ended up and his place after lunch, my youngest took a nap there while the oldest kids played and Nick and I caught up on some much needed quality time. See, I hadn't spent much time with him over the last month because of personal commitments on his end - which was OK with me because I was also focusing on a new relationship of my own. Anyhow, I digress. Back to Saturday. In the afternoon, Nick and I decided to take all of the kids to the pool and Amy (his wife) was going to meet us there. No big deal. We often do things together as a combined family. I normally don't mind it, but Saturday was different.

Yes, I'm Dating a Married Man

Yes, It's true - I am dating a married man. And yes, his wife knows about it. In fact, his wife and I are actually friends and get along quite well.

Poly relationships can be complicated, but Nick and I both agreed from the very beginning that we would like to remain friends even if a romantic relationship didn't pan out. The second item that we agreed on was communication - it must remain open, honest, and candid at all times.

Turning 30 and a Year of Finding Me

I turn 30 in July. The number has never really had much significance for me and I have never had a problem with getting older. I embrace it, I welcome it, and I even look forward to birthdays even though no one seems to care about them, except me. When I turned 29 people started asking me if I was anxious about the big 3-0. I never really understood why it was such a big deal. It's just another year.

In January, I decided that 30 wasn't going to be "just another year". It was going to be THE year. My year.

My world had been ripped apart, even though I could see the writing on the wall and knew what was coming. I was navigating the waters of being a recently single mom who rarely got a break, learning to budget on one income, trying to keep my sanity with two small children who needed constant care and attention. I didn't have time for a breakdown after my ex moved out. There was too much to do and a couple of tiny human beings that needed me to rally and get my game face on.

Starting Over

Ever since I can remember, a loving, romantic relationship was defined as one man and one woman being in a monogamous relationship. A man and a woman met, fell into a deep and passionate love for one another, and they lived happily ever after.

I guess you could say from the time I could comprehend adult relationships, I was set up for failure. I grew up with false expectations for what a relationship, and eventually, marriage should look like. I settled for the first guy that came along who wanted the same things as I did - get married, buy a house, have babies.

Part of the reason I settled for this man is that my world around me had shattered. My parents announced that after 29 years of marriage, they were getting divorced. I was 23. I had not lived at home in quite some time and from the outside everything looked perfect. Everything always seems perfect from the outside.  I was looking for normalcy and needed to prove to myself that "love" existed and that there was really a happily ever after. I wanted my happily ever after.