Everything started last weekend - I had planned to spend the day with Nick and he was going to stay over that night. My kids and I ended up and his place after lunch, my youngest took a nap there while the oldest kids played and Nick and I caught up on some much needed quality time. See, I hadn't spent much time with him over the last month because of personal commitments on his end - which was OK with me because I was also focusing on a new relationship of my own. Anyhow, I digress. Back to Saturday. In the afternoon, Nick and I decided to take all of the kids to the pool and Amy (his wife) was going to meet us there. No big deal. We often do things together as a combined family. I normally don't mind it, but Saturday was different.
My girls and I arrived at the pool a few minutes before Nick and Amy was already there. I got a short hello and a weird vibe. I knew that there had been some things going on between them, but I try not to interject myself in other's relationships. I also figured that the short greeting was because she was tired from going out the night before. My girls and I had fun at the pool, but I still couldn't shake the weird feeling that I was getting. I knew that something was wrong.
The plan after the pool was dinner back at Nick's place and then he would come over to my place after he got his kids to bed. Once we arrived back at Nick's I could tell that something was going on. Nick basically said that there were some words exchanged between him and Amy and that I probably shouldn't stay for dinner. He also wasn't sure that he'd make it to my place that night. I was fine with that, gathered up my girls, and left.
We exchanged a few text messages that night and into Sunday and it boiled down to the fact that I felt I needed to step away from the relationship for a little while - maybe a week - so Nick & Amy could focus on one another and figure out what was going on there. I was also hurt because Nick had casually mentioned in conversation the name of a women he had been seeing - someone I had no idea about. I figured that the little break could do us all good as the last 4 months have pretty much been a whirlwind. The text messages escalated to the point where Nick said that he would prefer to continue the conversation in person and I agreed.
Sunday night I couldn't wait any long and I wrote an email to Nick. I basically poured out my heart and soul telling him exactly how I felt about us and what went down over the weekend. I wanted to work through the issues and I hoped that this would make our relationship stronger. We exchanged a couple of emails and agreed to meet over the lunch hour on Tuesday.
We met outside the coffee shop on Tuesday - it was within walking distance from work for me. I was looking forward to a productive conversation and moving forward. Unfortunately, that's not what I got. Nick asked if I had anything to add to the email that I sent on Sunday. I said no and then he proceeded to tell me that we should no longer see each other. Something about he can't give me the time I need or be the man that I need. I'm still not really sure where those comments came from or what they mean as it's all still a blur for me.I walked away from him in shock and completely devastated. Surprisingly, I didn't cry then. I walked about a block, sat down on a bench, and just sat there for a while. I texted my new guy, Kevin, to let him know what had happened, got up, and walked back to work. I don't really remember the rest of the day other than the fact that Kevin came over that night so I didn't have to be alone.
Wednesday is when the crying started. I normally listen to Pandora all day while at work and the very first song that came up for me was When A Hear Breaks by Ben Rector. Holy shit. It was heart breaking and I lost my shit. It was an emotional sucker punch to the gut. Every time I listen to it now, I still tear up. The sad part is that I have it on repeat. The lyrics "This isn't easy, this isn't clear" hit so close to home for me.
The thing of it is, I love Nick and I know that he loves me. It isn't clear to me why it had to come to this and I'm so confused as to what exactly happened. I want answers that I know I'll never get. I want to wake up from this never ending night mare and find him laying next to me in bed. I want to have that conversation with him that I never got to have on Tuesday. I'm hurting and I don't know how to heal...and the truth of it is that this "break up" hurts more than my ex moving out on me and our girls...at least I knew that relationship was ending.
I'm struggling to move forward, but I know that I have to. I have to rally for my girls and be strong when they ask why they don't see their friends any more. And I also can't let this affect my relationship with Kevin. He's been wonderful - spending a lot of time with me this week and giving me extra tight hugs - but I also don't want him to see me at my lowest low right now. For now, I just need to focus on getting through each day. One step at a time.
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