Turning 30 and a Year of Finding Me

I turn 30 in July. The number has never really had much significance for me and I have never had a problem with getting older. I embrace it, I welcome it, and I even look forward to birthdays even though no one seems to care about them, except me. When I turned 29 people started asking me if I was anxious about the big 3-0. I never really understood why it was such a big deal. It's just another year.

In January, I decided that 30 wasn't going to be "just another year". It was going to be THE year. My year.

My world had been ripped apart, even though I could see the writing on the wall and knew what was coming. I was navigating the waters of being a recently single mom who rarely got a break, learning to budget on one income, trying to keep my sanity with two small children who needed constant care and attention. I didn't have time for a breakdown after my ex moved out. There was too much to do and a couple of tiny human beings that needed me to rally and get my game face on.

But I also realized that I needed time for me. I needed time to discover who and what I was. So much of my identity was wrapped up in who I was married to, where I worked, or who's mom I was...it's been that way for the last 7 years. I needed to figure out who I am without the labels - so that is what I am doing. I am finding joy in doing things for me now. Things to keep me sane, things to push me outside the limits of my comfort zone, things that I enjoy that I never could do before.

One of the first things I did in finding myself was get a tattoo (to add to the small collection I already have). I knew I wanted something on the inside of my wrist. Something that was just for me and a reminder of how far I've come and how far I still need to go. I though for some time about what I wanted and settled on a lotus. Both the image and the color are significant for me. The lotus represents fortune, purification, and faithfulness; growing out of murky waters to become something beautiful. Red is a reference to compassion and love.

I needed the constant reminder that I am something beautiful. I have come a long way and I have a lot further to go to be where I need to be. Seeing this every day helps me to keep my end goal in mind. It also reminds me to let go of the little things - the things that really don't matter in the long run. I have stopped caring about other's opinions of me and I'm living the life the way I want to live it.

I also started dating again. This was a cause of much anxiety for me. My marriage had ended long before we ever split, so I wasn't worried about emotional baggage, but the though of just picking one person to date and have a relationship with scared me. I had settled before and I didn't want to settle again, but I had to put myself out there. I needed to get out and do this for me - push myself to the edges of my comfort zone. So, I did and I have found myself in several wonderful relationships with people that are helping me to grow as a person and realize what I am capable of - they are the men in my life. They support and understand me, but the best thing is that they all have a mutual understanding that I need each of them in my life right now. They each bring out something in me that another one of them cannot and I connect with each of them on entirely different levels. If only I had this understanding of relationships years ago, my life may have been vastly different.

The other thing I am focusing on is enjoying every moment. I am trying to be a better mother to my children - they need me and will always need me. I too often find myself taking them for granted, raising my voice to them, and getting frustrated easily; but they have gentle ways of reminding me to slow down and experience life through their eyes. I find enjoyment in going to work and Tuesday Night Family Dinners that consist of 2 adults and 5 kids (who are usually running around and screaming). I look forward to Saturday night Game Nights with my extended poly family and their children no matter how crazy or awkward that may seem to get. But most of all, I am learning to enjoy the quiet. Quiet moments with my children, with my loved ones, or even by myself. I am not used to the quiet and found the silence uncomfortable at first, but now I find comfort in it because that is where I find myself.