This isn't easy...

It's been a long week for me and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what the hell happened.

Everything started last weekend - I had planned to spend the day with Nick and he was going to stay over that night. My kids and I ended up and his place after lunch, my youngest took a nap there while the oldest kids played and Nick and I caught up on some much needed quality time. See, I hadn't spent much time with him over the last month because of personal commitments on his end - which was OK with me because I was also focusing on a new relationship of my own. Anyhow, I digress. Back to Saturday. In the afternoon, Nick and I decided to take all of the kids to the pool and Amy (his wife) was going to meet us there. No big deal. We often do things together as a combined family. I normally don't mind it, but Saturday was different.

Thankful

I may not have everything in life, but I am certainly thankful for what I have - this past week I was reminded of that more than ever.

A week ago, my area (Eastern Iowa) experienced some extremely heavy rains and severe flash flooding. I am thankful that I have a neighbor who looks out for me and called me several times after 11 PM to tell me that I needed to check my basement. When she couldn't get a hold of me, she phoned my ex, who also tried to call me. I eventually work up to the sound of a car alarm going off and found about 8-10 inches of water in my basement. I ended up without about of 3 feet of water once it was all said and done. I am thankful to have friends that are willing to help bail out water at 7 AM on a Monday morning and thankful to have a boss who understood why I wasn't at work much this past week.

Yes, I'm Dating a Married Man

Yes, It's true - I am dating a married man. And yes, his wife knows about it. In fact, his wife and I are actually friends and get along quite well.

Poly relationships can be complicated, but Nick and I both agreed from the very beginning that we would like to remain friends even if a romantic relationship didn't pan out. The second item that we agreed on was communication - it must remain open, honest, and candid at all times.

Doing the Best I Can

Let me be the first to admit that I'm a shitty parent most days, but I'm doing the best I can. I have 2 little girls under the age of 4 and I swear, they work together to push my buttons in ways unimaginable. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly and they are the center of my universe, but there are those days where the whining, crying, constant jumping around, and screaming at each other make me want to lock them both in a closet just to have a few moments of silence.

Social media does an awesome job of making me feel like a shitty parent, especially when my "peers" are involved. I belong to so many local groups on Facebook that it will make your head spin - The "Crunchy" Mamas (which I actually admin), Cloth Diaper Moms, Breastfeeding Moms, Working Moms, Local Families, etc. Most of these groups come with a lot of judgement from others if I don't fit the mold of the "ideal member" or "perfect parent". But the truth of the matter is that I really don't give a fuck about what other moms (or dads) think of me any more. I do the best I can considering the circumstances.

Turning 30 and a Year of Finding Me

I turn 30 in July. The number has never really had much significance for me and I have never had a problem with getting older. I embrace it, I welcome it, and I even look forward to birthdays even though no one seems to care about them, except me. When I turned 29 people started asking me if I was anxious about the big 3-0. I never really understood why it was such a big deal. It's just another year.

In January, I decided that 30 wasn't going to be "just another year". It was going to be THE year. My year.

My world had been ripped apart, even though I could see the writing on the wall and knew what was coming. I was navigating the waters of being a recently single mom who rarely got a break, learning to budget on one income, trying to keep my sanity with two small children who needed constant care and attention. I didn't have time for a breakdown after my ex moved out. There was too much to do and a couple of tiny human beings that needed me to rally and get my game face on.

Starting Over

Ever since I can remember, a loving, romantic relationship was defined as one man and one woman being in a monogamous relationship. A man and a woman met, fell into a deep and passionate love for one another, and they lived happily ever after.

I guess you could say from the time I could comprehend adult relationships, I was set up for failure. I grew up with false expectations for what a relationship, and eventually, marriage should look like. I settled for the first guy that came along who wanted the same things as I did - get married, buy a house, have babies.

Part of the reason I settled for this man is that my world around me had shattered. My parents announced that after 29 years of marriage, they were getting divorced. I was 23. I had not lived at home in quite some time and from the outside everything looked perfect. Everything always seems perfect from the outside.  I was looking for normalcy and needed to prove to myself that "love" existed and that there was really a happily ever after. I wanted my happily ever after.

Best Weekend In a Long Time...

Being a recently single mom, it's not often that I get much down time without my kids - let alone four days. However, their dad has been planning a trip with them for months so that is exactly what I got - 4 days, alone, without my kids.

Don't get me wrong, I missed them terribly, but it was time that I really needed to recharge my batteries and a chance for me to experience life outside of home and work.

Just because I didn't have my kids, though, doesn't mean that I wasn't busy. Every minute of my long weekend was jam packed, but I also enjoyed every second of it and wouldn't change a thing. I was able to go on several dates with my best guy friends (more on them later) and I was able to attend the first concert of my adult life - Blue October.